Random Conversations with Family Members #8

Kali: So, you and your boyfriend have to sleep in dad and Holly's bed with four dogs. Is that going to be awkward for you guys?
Me: What? Why would we do that? We're going to sleep on the air mattress.
Kali: Nope. They took it with them.
Me: Dammit.
Kali: Yeah. That's where dad and Holly do the nasty.
Me: Ack!
Kali: Hahahahahahaha. I hope they changed the sheets!
Me: Why? Just...why?
Kali: Hahahahahahhaa. Sorry. I'm a little drunk right now.
Me: It's not even 1:00.
Kali: Yeah, I don't really have a job.

Random Conversations with Family Members #7

A phone conversation with my dad...

Dad: Hey, have you talked to your brother or [older] sister lately?
Me: No, not recently.
Dad: Yeah, me neither. Somebody should probably call them so they know they're still part of the family and everything.
Me: Probably.
Dad: I've got your sister here. I've also got your mother. Does anyone want to talk to Kona? Ha. Nobody gives a shit about you.
Me: Fair enough.
Dad: Alright, I'll see you on Friday.

Random Conversations with Family Members #6

Special Christmas Edition

Christmas morning 2005:

Kali: Sweet. Starbucks!
Me: How come I didn't get a Starbucks gift card?
Kali: Hehe, loser.
Mom: Oh, I don't know. I guess I wasn't sure that you have them up there.
Me: Mom. I live in New York City. I'm pretty sure there's a Starbucks in my bathroom.
Mom: Well, I didn't know that. You know, it makes sense though. Every time I see a picture of those Olsen girls in People, they have a Starbucks cup in their hand.

Random Conversations with Family Members #5

Thanksgiving Edition:

Dad: Happy Thanksgiving!
Me: Happy Thanksgiving to you too.
Dad: So, I'm watching the Thanksgiving day parade on TV. Are you down there?
Me: Oh, hell no.
Dad: No?
Me: I cannot emphasize enough the amount of "hell no" involved in that.
Dad: Yeah, I'm watching those girls with the short skirts and I'm thinking, "are you out of your mind?"
Me: Yeah. It's like two degrees here and rainy and awful. They are not having fun.
Dad: So what are you doing today?
Me: Having dinner with friends.
Dad: Oh, that sounds good. I just talked to Andrea and wished her a happy Thanksgiving.
Me: That's nice.
Dad: Yeah, so I've done my kid duty. You can all go to hell now.
Me: ...You're a terrible parent.

Random Conversations with Family Members #4

These are their stories: Chung Chung!

Me: There are a lot of gay people who are moving into my neighborhood, but it's still primarily Dominican.
Kali: The Mexicans and the Dominicans don't get along.
Me: ...okay. Well, there aren't really any Mexicans around here, so we haven't really had a problem.
Kali: They rape each other.
Me: What?
Kali: With forgeign objects.
Me: Uh...
Kali: And it punctures their colon.
Me: I...
Kali: And it leaves splinters.
Me: I have no idea---
Kali: Because it's a plunger.
Me: Ohhh.
Kali: And then they bleed out on the floor three hours later. And it's awkward.
Me: Yeah. I saw that one. That was the prison one, right?
Kali: Yeah. Ashley invited some Mexican guys from her work over to my apartment. But they don't speak English very well, so they haven't found the place yet.
Me: That sucks.
Kali: Yeah. Hey--what if you brought Dominicans down with you. That would be crazy.
Me: Kali, I don't think you want people to get raped with foreign objects in your apartment.
Kali: Yeah, that would be weird.
Me: Yes...weird.
Kali: Ooh! But then I'd get to meet Benson and Stabler!
Me: Yeah, I can't talk about this anymore.

Random Conversations with Family Members #3

Dad: Hello?
Me: Hey
Dad: Oh, hey. Did you get my message?
Me: Yeah.
Dad: Okay, so are Christopher Reeves and Kaynu Reeves related?
Me: No, dad. Christopher Reeve and Keanu Reeves are not related. They're two different names.
Dad: See, that's what I thought. Hey Holly, they're not related. It's Christopher Reeve and Kaynu Reeves. Two completely different names. Ha ha. See, I just wanted to call you to prove that Holly's fucked up.
Me: Uh, okay.
Dad: Huh? Oh, Holly says she doesn't believe you. She says that they're related.
Me: Except that they're not. Keanu Reeves is half-Japanese or something.
Dad: Yeah, I knew that. Holly! Keanu Reeves' mother is Japanese or something. they're not even in the same ethnic group! Ha ha, you're weird. Ow, ow. I'm getting punched. Yeah, I think they do still have family in the business.
Me: No they don't, they're not related to anybody.
Dad: Well, they have to be related to someone. They weren't hatched.
Me: Fair enough.
Dad: Holly wants to know if you're positive.
Me: I am 100% sure that these two people with different last names and no connection are not related to each other.
Dad: Holly still doesn't believe you. She wants you to Google it.
Me: I'm not going to Google anything. Google it your damn selves.
Dad: Ha ha, well, that's the only reason I called.
Me: You people are insane. I'll talk to you later.
Dad: Ha ha, bye!

Random Conversations with Family Members #2

This conversation happened roughly 4 years ago, but it is still my absolute favorite conversation I've ever had with my father.

Discussing the possibility of my younger sister moving in with her boyfriend:

Me: Dad, she should get her own place. They're too young and they both need to have the college experience.
Dad: Nah, it'll be fine. They'll be over at each other's places all the time anyway, this way they save on electricity.
Me: What? What does that even mean?
Dad: Besides, she's 18; she can do what she wants.
Me: She's 17.
Dad: Same difference.

Random Conversations with Various Family Members #1

I was in Northern Virginia recently (but not because I live there, Susan!) and had the following conversation with my younger sister about her boyfriend.

Kali: What's that disease that makes you tired all the time?
Me: Uh, well there's----
Kali: AIDS?
Me: ...I was going to say chronic fatigue syndrome, but sure. I guess AIDS would make you...tired.
Kali: Yeah. Joel sleeps a lot.