Where are they now? The Daily Show edition

I went to a taping of The Daily Show back in March (It was, of course, awesome) and it got me thinking: What the hell ever happened to Vance DeGeneres? Seriously. Where the crap did that guy go? He was awesome.

Cut to a dark club in New Orleans about two weeks ago. The boy took me to Jazz Fest and we were at a Cowboy Mouth show (they had that one song, that one year, about that girl). I was standing there just looking at the band, who I knew nothing about. The boy is going all crazy because they're his favorite band in the world and he's seen them roughly 100 million times. I tried to pay attention to the show (which was actually quite good) but I kept on staring at the rhythm guitarist. He looked so oddly familiar. I just couldn't place it though.

Me: Honey, who's the guitar player?
Boy: Uh, I don't know. Some heroin-addict Keith Richards wannabe.
Me: He looks familiar...
Boy: Woooooooooooooooo!

Now this was starting to bug me. Luckily, Fred, the lead singer, is a chatty sort. Actually, I shouldn't say "luckily." The dude wouldn't stop talking. He kept on telling us that we weren't loud enough, or we weren't dancing enough, or whatever. It was pissing me off--I mean, seriously. Dude. I'm paying you fucking money. You're putting on a show for me. Now stop telling me what to do and play your damn songs so I can go home. Fuck.

Anyway...

During one of his monologues, Fred referred to "Vance's" new guitar.

Holy Shit.

The heroin-addict Keith Richards wannabe is VANCE FREAKING DEGENERES!

It blew my mind. He went from a Daily Show correspondent to a guitarist for a New Orleans rock/punk-type band. It was the greatest discovery ever made. So for those of you who have been mourning for Vance, you can stop. I found him (and I totally don't think he's on the horse, so don't worry).

This show is going to be great...when you get killed off. Part 1

For every tight ensemble cast on television (Friends, Entourage, Arrested Development) you have three that feature a cast that's generally awesome--if it weren't for that one "actor."

You know the one: His acting is so wooden, he could be replaced with a giant log with branches for hands and either nobody would notice, or the show would actually improve. Or you have the woman who is so over-the-top in all of her "acting" choices that just watching the other more talented actors in the cast react to her histrionics would be entertaining, if she weren't so damn annoying.

I love television and those with ensemble casts are my favorite. When I ask myself why, I can only think it's because I hate myself. Every time a casting director gets an ensemble 99% right, the 1% that is so wrong just makes me die inside. Below are my first two entries in the category of
Worst Actor/Actress in an Otherwise Enjoyable Show.

My first nominee: Misha "I'm the only one on this cast who is actually high-school age, yet I look older than the woman playing my mother and sound like I've been on a diet of cigarettes and Quaaludes since the mid-70s" Barton of the soon-to-be-canceled The O.C.

Before she moved to Orange County and started drinking a bunch, she was best known as the girl who vomited everywhere in The Sixth Sense. Over three seasons of The O.C., she drank a lot, whined, wore ugly hats and failed to ever change her facial expressions. She brought every scene she was in to a grinding halt and annoyed the audience (and, I suspect, the cast and crew) so much that she was finally, mercifully killed off at the end of Season three.

The entertainment writers who are attributing The O.C.'s actual death to Marissa Cooper's fictional one say so only because they haven't watched the show since Season one. And who could blame them? Even Barton herself has said that the show couldn't survive without her. But really, what else would she say? When you have so little self-awareness that you would leave the house looking like this, it's a miracle that she can string together a sentence at all.

My second nomination is Elizabeth Rohm, the ex-ADA on the original Law & Order.

She joined the cast before I moved to New York and I almost didn't because of her. Sure, Giuliani cleaned up Times Square, but apparently you can catch a cold that can last several years. Every line she said sounded like the "before" in a NyQuil commercial. I was pretty terrified of the killer cold strain that seemingly infected the streets of New York, until I realized that she was the only one afflicted. Then I realized that it wasn't a cold at all--she just sucks.

Her acting runs the gamut from B to C: Bitchy to Confused, and when the camera rested on her eyes, you could see clear through to the back of her skull.

After inflicting her upon a helpless viewing public for either two or twelve seasons (it's really just a blur of pain and blonde highlights at this point) the writers heard from on high that they could finally get rid of her--and get rid of her they did; saddling her with the best out-of-left-field exit line in the history of television: "Is it because I'm a lesbian?" The confusion and exasperation in Sam Waterston's eyes as he replies, "No" is a vindicating moment for the viewers, as now we know that we have not been alone in our pain.

Those are my first two nominations of many. Still to come: Anorexic leading ladies and a man who is so intense, he makes me feel dirty from the inside out.

There's a reason it's not called "Project BFF."

I'm not a Jeffrey fan. I've been quite clear about this over the entire third season of Project Runway. He's mean, arrogant and his boorish "the world owes me something" attitude reminds me of a certain despicable ex-roommate of mine. Most importantly, however, I hated his designs. While he managed to pull out a few inspired ones (most notably his newspaper dress from the trash challenge and his couture dress) I found that most of his clothing looked like it had been made by and for cracktards.

So last night, after a season of nearly being eliminated every other challenge, making a fellow designers' mom cry, and almost being disqualified the day before the Bryant Park show, Jeffrey won the third season of Project Runway.

Since the moment it was announced, the "blogspots" were alight with people denouncing the decision and promising never to watch PR again. They were furious that Jeffrey's "ugly" clothes beat out Uli's effervescent frocks. I agree that Uli's clothes were more aesthetically pleasing, Laura's were phenomenally made, and Michael's a total fox, but, as much as it pains me to say it, I think the judges got it absolutely right this time.

I am a huge Michael supporter and think that he has an amazing amount of potential. I wanted him to win pretty much from the beginning. The muslin dress he made for the tryouts was gorgeous, and I loved his adaptability and willingness to listen to others opinions. However, what Tim said in his latest podcast is absolutely correct: he needs guidance. He flourished when he had Tim asking the right questions, but is not quite mature enough to be off on his own. He will do great things, but right now he really needs to work for a designer--because when he's left to his own devices, he ends up looking like a stylist for a Biggie music video circa 1996.

Uli and Jeffrey's lines were by far the strongest and either of them could have legitimately won. Laura's line, while impeccably constructed, lacked the "wow" factor. It's the same thing that kept Kara Saun from winning Season one. You need more than a superhuman work ethic to win this dog and pony show.

Uli was the dark horse of season 3. She has a preternatural gift for prints, which the judges likened to that of Diane Von Furstenberg on more than one occasion. She does her Uli thing and she does it well--which is why the judges often marginalized her talents. One of the biggest "what were they thinking" moments of the season came during the Everyday Woman challenge when they picked Vincent's horrendous dress over The airy outfit Uli designed for Kayne's mom (God, I hated everything Vincent did--and that dress is even uglier in person). Uli's Fashion Week designs were gorgeous and chic and looked ready to wear; and for the first time, she brought the drama. When the model at right walked down the runway in a "typical Uli dress" and then unbuckled it to reveal the bikini, the audience erupted in applause and I actually gasped. It was stunning. It was also the first time the entire season I thought she had a legitimate chance of winning.

Jeffrey, on the other hand, managed to have an entire line filled with clothes I would never want to wear, but could completely understand. Just living in New York and seeing what's going on in fashion right now, I can tell that he is on the cutting edge. One article I read (I think it was Entertainment Weekly) said that the skinny pant/striped blazer combination looked like something Misha Barton would wear. I absolutely agree. It's not my style, but I understand and respect the design aesthetic. He has a point of view, and whether or not the general public thinks it's pretty, it's undeniably current. Leggings aren't pretty either, but people are insisting on wearing them. All the effin' time.

As for the question of whether or not Jeffrey cheated: in interviews, on his blog and on his podcast, Tim Gunn constantly and consistently extols the integrity of the producers. Keith made great TV, but he broke the rules and got kicked off anyway. If the producers say that Jeffrey didn't break the rules and has to return the wigs in order to stay under budget, then that's good enough for me. Budget/rule snafus aren't unprecedented (again see Kara Saun). The Runway producers fixed the problem in the manner they saw fit and returned the contestants to an even playing field. Tim Gunn trusts the producers and I trust Tim Gunn.

The judges' decision to choose Jeffrey over the other three finalists boils down to this: Project Runway is about being on the cutting edge of fashion, it is not about what can be shoved onto the rack at BCBG's right now. Jeffrey's collection was the most innovative, plain and simple, which is why he won. If it had been about craftsmanship it would have been Laura. If it had been about being the prettiest, it would have been Uli. If it had been about being the most huggable, then Michael would be driving a Saturn Sky roadster into our hearts right now. But it's about fashion. Just because you wouldn't want to have him over for dinner doesn't mean Jeffrey didn't deserve to win.

With that said, I think the lack of a receipt was a blessing in disguise. Because LEATHER BUBBLE SHORTS? Are you KIDDING me? Jubilee Jumbles indeed.

An open letter to the first three season premieres:

Dear anyone ever associated with The Office. I'm talking cast, writers, electricians, craft services folk, whomever:

Marry me.

Love,
Kona
__________________________________________

Dear Marc Cherry,

You were kind of an absentee daddy on your show last season as the ratings and Emmy nominations (or lack thereof) showed us. So I understand that you're a little rusty; here's my suggestion: Netflix the first two seasons and watch them. Realize that Marcia Cross is only playing one character. Her name is Bree. Please write accordingly. Yes, she is an amazing actress who can play any number of roles. That doesn't mean that she should be playing all of those roles on your show. Rein it in, big guy.

Love,
Kona
________________________________________

Dear Shonda Rhimes,

I firmly believe that you spend every Sunday eating croissants at the Chateau Marmont with Zach Braff and fighting over who can pick the heartfelt indie song that will best represent the inner turmoil and perpetual late-twenties ennui with which you insist on saddling all of your characters. "You got your Shins in my Joseph Arthur!" "You got your Joseph Arthur in my Shins!"

"But Meredith is scary and damaged!" I KNOW! Now I'm not one to endorse Fergie Ferg, but once, just once, I would not be adverse to seeing Meredith busting a move to "London Bridge--" If I didn't think her hips would immediately shatter and turn to dust.

Speaking of which, I was watching an old episode of House the other night, and they put this fat suit on a 10-year-old. It looked great; it had realistic-looking freckles and everything. I also watch CSI a lot and am often impressed/grossed out by the realism they are able to give their corpses. Your show has money; can't you do something about Ellen Pompeo?

Love,
Kona

Edit: In its neverending editing wisdom, Blogger is refusing to upload any picture of Ellen Pompeo. I tried a few different pictures several different ways, and none of them took. Blogger does not want to subject you to that unless you want to. Tell Blogger "thank you."

I suffered so you don't have to.

So, originally I was going to blog the Oscars as well as the pre-show on E!, but that started at 5:30 and there was no way I was going to get my act together by then. So, right now, it's 7:34. I'm watching the official ABC preshow and absolutely nothing is happening. Except for a montage, because you can't spell "self-important awards show" without M-O-N-T-A-G-E! We'll use this opportunity to catch up on all that you need to know from the preshow.

1. Ludacris is short. He stood next to Ryan Seacrest and was basically the same height as Seacrest, a member of the Lollipop Guild. Surprisingly, that wasn't a gay joke. This time.

2. In a display of his unyielding power, Seacrest promises that E! will write a $10,000 check to the charity Clothes off our Back. It's the entertainment equivalent of a guy running over a hobo because he has diplomatic immunity. He's Seacrest. He'll do what he wants.

3. Isaac Mizrahi meets Dolly Parton and his head surprisingly does not explode from thinking about all of the ways he can "see how her dress is constructed."

4. Seacrest tries to prove he's straight for the first time tonight by literally going "goo-goo ga-ga" over Keira Knightly. Later, Isaac tells him to stop "throwing himself" at Jessica Alba. The force of the collective eye-roll of every gay man in every bar in Chelsea is enough to register on the Richter scale.

5. Helena Bonham Carter has finally lost it. She's wearing an insane Bouffant that is so big and crazy, even Dolly Parton is like, "Girl, maybe you should tone it down."

Alright, it's seven minutes to show time and I can only hope that what Eric Bana said when asked what he hopes will happen tonight will come true: "I'm looking for a lot of blood to be spilled." My fingers are crossed.

8:01- The opening looks a little like War of the Worlds, if the end of the world features Forrest Gump and John Travolta. Which I think it will.

8:02- This is the first opening to the Oscars that has actually made me laugh. Mel Gibson and a bunch of Mayans getting chased by a grizzly and Jon Stewart and George Clooney in bed together. This may actually turn out to be a good show. We'll see how I feel halfway through hour five.

8:07- A lame Angelina adoption joke. Come on Jon, step it up.

8:09- Why is Keira Knightley sitting next to Jack Nicholson? No! Get away! You're already famous, don't do it! Although, do you kind of get the feeling nowadays that Nicholson doesn't even know where he is? His assistant just tapes those sunglasses to his head, pins his Valium to his coat and points him out the door.

8:12- It's not quite Brokeback to the Future, but the montage of "gay" Hollywood Westerns marks the first Brokeback joke.

8:16- First award of the night for Best Supporting Actor. Presented by an almost-lifelike Nicole Kidman. George Clooney, Matt Dillon, Paul Giamatti, Jake Gyllenhaal, and William Hurt. And the Oscar goes to...George Clooney. No big surprise there. First nomination, first Oscar. Not too bad, Booker. His speech is nice, heartfelt and relatively boring. At least there's no lame Abramoff joke this time.

8:27- Ben Stiller presents Excellence in Visual Effects dressed in a green screen suit--but no green screen. Stiller: "This is Blowing Spielberg’s mind." Spielberg: "No it isn't." Chronicles of Narnia, King Kong, and War of the Worlds. King Kong wins. Sure Peter Jackson doesn't get this award, but I still half expected him to storm the stage anyway. It only seems right

8:30- America's Treasure Reese Witherspoon presents Best Animated Feature. Howl's Moving Castle, Corpse Bride, Wallace & Grommit. Wallace and Grommit takes it. And the guys are wearing clown bowties. And have mini clown bowties for their Oscars. See people? This is why "British" and "Retarded" are often considered synonymous.

8:35- Naomi Watts is introducing Dolly Parton's performance and can barely keep her shit together. Dolly's performing "Travelin' Thru" from Transamerica . Her singing wig is different from her preshow wig. This one makes her look like a Bassett Hound. A Bassett Hound with a liposuction machine permanently parked in her bedroom. Whatever. She's trashy and fantastic. I love her.

8:43- Luke and Owen Wilson are presenting Best Live Action Short. They're both looking a little bloated (halfway down), but I still love them. Anyway, up for the award are Ausreisser, Cashback, The Last Farm, Our Time is Up, and Six Shooter. Surprise! It's a film you haven't seen! Six Shooter takes the award.

8:46- Why? With the animated characters on Awards shows? I'm sure it has nothing to do with Disney-owned ABC. Nothing at all. Up for Best Animated Short: Badgered, The Moon and the Son, The Mysterious Geographic Explorations of Jasper Morello, 9, and One Man Band. The Moon and the Son wins. There's a lot of blah blah, and I always feel so badly for the people who get up here and nobody cares, but it's still so importa----ooh, it's Jennifer Aniston!

8:49 Jennifer Aniston presents Best Costume Design. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Memoirs of a Geisha, Mrs. Henderson Presents, Pride & Prejudice, and Walk the Line. Memoirs of a Geisha wins. See Sony, it wasn't a total loss, you won Best Costume Design. So...there's that. Aw, the people of Japan got a thank you. People of Japan: "Suck it."

8:52- Russell Crowe is so serious that I think he's introducing the montage for the dead folks, but it's the montage for the folks who...played other people? Really?

8:58- Will Ferrell and Steve Carell introduce Best Makeup in crazy makeup of their own. Yay for these guys! Up for the award: Chronicles of Narnia, Cinderella Man, Star Wars Ep. 3. The Oscar goes to The Chronic-What? Cles of Narnia. Also, Steve Carell would make a surprisingly good drag-queen. I did not see that one coming. And the first person gets played off by the music.

9:04- Morgan Freeman introduces Best Supporting Actress and cannot say, "demonstrative." Up for it are Amy Adams, Catherine Keener, Francis McDormand, Rachel Weisz, and Michelle Williams. I'm thinking it'll be newcomer Amy Adams. And I'm wrong. Rachel Weisz gets it and is unfortunately introduced by mentioning her starring roles in The Mummy and The Mummy Returns. I don't remember any of her speech, even as she is giving it. I think I heard "brave" and "giving their lives." And I wish that they had kept the open bar, because zzzzzzzz.

9:10- Lauren Baccall is Candice Bergen in 20 years--or would be if either of the two had aged in the past 20 years. She's talking about Film Noir and appears to be drunk. This would be a perfect time for--another montage!

9:15- Jon Stewart enlists Stephen Colbert for fake attack ads for Best Actress. They're pretty decent, but Felicity doesn't get one.

9:16- Terrence Howard introduces Best Documentary Short. The Death of Kevin Carter, God Sleeps in Rwanda, The Mushroom Club, A Note of Triumph. In tonight's first big shake up, A Note of Triumph snags it. I don't know. I'm just trying to make it interesting.

9:22- Charlize Theron's dress is eating her shoulder. In addition, she is presenting Best Documentary. Darwin's Nightmare, Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room, March of the Penguins, Murderball, Street Fight. Surprising absolutely no one, the penguins win it. Also surprising no one after the bowtie display from earlier, the filmmakers bring giant stuffed penguins up on stage. Seriously. Morgan Freeman is offstage looking confused as to whether or not he should be up there. The answer is no. You do not want to be associated with this right now.

9:24- JLo is wearing a bald cap! Actually, her hair just sucks. She introduces the song from Crash. The stage is on fire as the chick sings and I still don't care.

9:33- Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves. Sandra looks tired and is rumored to be pregnant. Also? Shut up, Keanu. Best Art Direction: Good Night and Good Luck, Harry Potter, King Kong, Memoirs of a Geisha, Pride & Prejudice. Well look at that. Memoirs got another one. Someone at Sony still has a job!

9:37- Samuel L. Jackson is still cool. Despite his new movie. Which sucked. Hard. Holy crap. It's ANOTHER MONTAGE. This one's about...politics? Doing what's right? I don't know anymore.

9:42- President of the Academy. That is all.

9:45- Salma Hayak's boobs keep getting bigger. She introduces the maestro. Or something.

9:50- Salma Hayak sexily reminds us of the sexy Best Score Nominees. Brokeback Mountain, The Constant Gardener, Memoirs of a Geisha, Munich, Pride and Prejudice. She sexily struts to the podium and sexily tells us that Brokeback Mountain sexily snags their first award of the evening.

9:57- Jake Gyllenhaal introduces ANOTHER MONTAGE about watching movies on the big screen. Poor Jake gets saddled (Heh. Saddled. You know, gay cowboys? No? Okay.) with a stinker of a joke about portable DVD players. He looks like a kid at his parent's dinner party and his mom is all, "Jakey, show everybody the dance you did in the school play! It's so adorable." "Mo-oom. Nooooo."

10:00- Hee! Jon Stewart just made fun of the number of montages.

10:01- Jessica Alba and Eric Bana present Best Sound Mixing. Chronicles of Narnia, King Kong, Memoirs of a Geisha, Walk the Line, War of the Worlds. And the Oscar goes to...King Kong. Who said it performed way below expectations?

10:04- Lilly Tomlin and Meryl Streep. Meryl looks amazing. They're introducing Robert Altman who is receiving the "we know you're awesome and we're sorry for not letting you win an Oscar" Oscar. This is of course followed by a montage.

10:19- Ludacris is making Oscar-winning songs sound dirty. The Three-Six Mafia is performing and have already gotten bleeped. Apparently "witches" are jumping ship, which is not the way it was originally going to be.

10:23- Queen Latifah looks better than she's looked in a while and introduces Best Original Song. The nominees are Crash, Hustle and Flow, Transamerica. Hustle and Flow wins. Holy shit. The Three-Six Mafia just won an Oscar. Take that, Eminem.

10:26- Jon Stewart can't stop giggling. "It just got a little bit easier for a pimp."

10:27- More fake lobbying spots for Sound Editing.

10:28- Jennifer Garner trips and nearly busts her face on the stage. She also looks like she's wearing Will Ferrell's makeup. For Best Sound Editing: King Kong, Memoirs of a Geisha, War of the Worlds. King Kong wins it. Yay! Peter Jackson will work again.

10:31- Clooney gets to be the buzz kill and introduce the dead folks. Who's going to get the most applause? It's everybody's favorite game, "Whose death is the biggest loss?"

10:34- And the winner is...Anne Bancroft. Sorry Chris Penn.

10:38- Will Smith presents Best Foreign Language Film. Don't Tell, Joyeux Noel, Paradise Now, Sophie Scholl, Tsotsi. Tsotsi wins. Lots of stuff about how we're all the same, etc. etc.

10:42- Ziyi Zhang looks delightful and is presenting Best Film Editing. Up for it are, Cinderella Man, The Constant Gardener, Crash, Munich, Walk the Line. Crash wins, which makes sense. Editing ensemble pieces is tough.

10:43- Hillary Swank looks better than she did last year and is presenting Best Actor. Finally, something we care about. Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Terrence Howard, Heath Ledger, Joaquin Phoenix, and David Strathairn. I'd like it to be Joaquin, but I think Phil Hoffman is going to get it, which is fine, because he's amazing. Although, David Strathairn could pull an Adrian Brody and take it. Or it could be Phil Hoffman, which everybody expected. He was supposed to bark his acceptance speech but didn't. You suck, Hoffman.

10:56- John Travolta presents Best Cinematography. Batman Begins, Brokeback Mountain, Good Night and Good Luck, Memoirs of a Geisha, The New World are nominated. Memoirs wins, which surprises me. I thought it would either be Brokeback or Good Night. Sony must have done a lot of lobbying.

10:58- Jaime Foxx (the extra "x" is for "x-tra sexy!") presents Best Actress. We've got Dame Judy Dench, Charlize Theron, Felicity Huffman, Keira Knightly and Reese Witherspoon. I think Felicity's going to get it, but I won't be surprised if it goes to Miss 29 million dollars a picture, Reese Witherspoon. And she gets it, which...no. She was good, but Joaquin owned that movie. Yes Reese, we know you grew up in Tennessee. You're from the South. WE GET IT! Also, where is Ryan? He's so subdued, not like the Globes. Dammit the Oscars need more alcohol!

11:09- Dustin Hoffman, who is looking rather wee tonight, is presenting Best Adapted Screenplay. He almost opened the ballot before he read the nominations and gave a shout-out to all of the losers. Anyway, we've got Brokeback Mountain, Capote, The Constant Gardener, A History of Violence, Munich. Brokeback wins again, to no one's surprise. Jesus, I hope this dude doesn't thank his typewriter again.

11:13- Holy crap. Uma looks fierce. She's introducing Best Original Screenplay. Crash, Goodnight and Good Luck, Match Point, The Squid and the Whale, Syriana. Crash wins and I'm sure the boys over at Defamer are puking right about now.

11:20- Tom Hanks, the Jesus of Hollywood is presenting Best Director. We've got Brokeback Mountain, Capote, Crash, Good Night and Good Luck, Munich. Brokeback wins, again, to the surprise of NO ONE. Oh, Ang. Don't open up with, "I wish I knew how to quit you." Not only are Brokeback jokes pretty much over, but it doesn't even fit. Haven't you learned from James Cameron? Come on!

11:23- Jack Nicholson, having dipped into the Valium pinned to his sleeve, is announcing Best Picture. Like it matters, we've got Brokeback Mountain, Capote, Crash, Good Night and Good Luck, Munich. Hmm, who's going to win? Who? HOLY SHIT. IT WAS CRASH. CRASH WON. NOT BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN. Even the Crash folks are like, "Wait, haven't you guys seen Brokeback?" Wow, there was actually an upset. I honestly don't believe it. This is nuts.

11:28. My back hurts and my vision is getting blurry. All in all, Jon Stewart did a great job as host, but really, there's only so much he can do. Lord, the Oscars are boring. Aside from the three seconds of shock after Crash won, everything was pretty predictable. I'm going to start my Globes countdown now. Awards shows need free-flowing alcohol!