Thursday, March 30, 2006

Feel free to hate me...

...because this is where I'm going to be on April 13th.

Rhett Miller & The Believers
Nicolai Dunger

Because a revolution without dancing is not a revolution worth having.

Okay guys. We need to talk. I'm not telling you how to live your life here because, seriously. It's not like I have my shit together in any way. So let's not take what I'm about to tell you as a demand, but more of a favor to me. Except that you must do it. Immediately. Yesterday, if possible.

And the thing that I am asking you to do? Go see V for Vendetta. Right now. Go ahead, I'll wait.

Unfortunately for us all, my vocabulary isn't nearly big enough to adequately encompass the awesomeness that is this movie. Not since Matrix: Revolutions have I had such a good time in a theater--not that the two even compare. If watching the second Matrix was like getting flowers delivered to your house, watching Vendetta was like getting a delivery of puppies laying on a bed of cotton candy and pooping sunshine.

I don't even want to say too much about what happens in the movie because I don't want to infringe on the unparalled enjoyment that you will experience by going into this with fresh eyes. All I will say is this: For the first 45 minutes or so, Beast, Blaze and I watched the movie and enjoyed it. It was pretty good. Natalie Portman is lovely, shit blew up, everything was pretty cool.

Now, everybody knows that Natalie Portman gets her head shaved in this movie. This is important because this is pretty much the point where the movie goes pear-shaped. Things flat-out just stop making sense. After a few minutes of this I catch movement out of the corner of my eye. I turn my head and see Beast shaking from laughing so hard and trying to contain it. Suprisingly, up to this point, I had shown remarkable self-control; but seeing her cracking up sent me over the edge, and within minutes, I had tears streaming down my face.

There were many things that struck us as funny--the dialogue and storyline being pretty close to the top. What really killed me though, is that for the last hour of the movie, everytime I saw this guy, all I could think of was this guy. Now that would be a movie worth seeing.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

The time on the clock when we realized it's so late...

Just when I was feeling awkward about sharing my secret Dashboard Confessional shame, Susan sends me this. And suddenly, talking about a song doesn't seem nearly as bad because she has the video! And this is why Susan rules.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Lou Bega---Yes, Lou Bega. Or reason #849 why I'm going to die alone.

I have a brand new job that I'm completely digging and a really nice apartment--by New York standards anyway. The trade off though is that I have a retarded commute. I live in the boonies of New York City, otherwise known as the Bronx. My office, on the other hand, is on the very bottom tip of Manhattan. Meaning that I start from halfway up in The Bronx, and travel down through the entire island of Manhattan to get to work. I leave the house around 7:30 and get to my office around 9. What keeps me from killing people is my Ipod. I listen to music from the time I leave my house to the time I arrive in my office. At which point I unplug my headphones and plug my computer speakers in so I can listen the entire time at work. When I leave, I plug the headphones back in and listen until I get home. When I get home, the Ipod stays in my purse, but if I'm on the computer, like I am now, I've got Itunes going. The point is, I've been thinking about music a lot lately.

I had the Ipod on shuffle the other day on the train, and "Hands Down" came on (I know...shut up.) The first thing that came into my mind when this song started playing was sitting in the Herald Square subway station at around 1 in the morning after the Rockafeller tree lighting. The boy I was seeing and I were sitting on the bench. He was getting ready to go down to Brooklyn and I was getting ready to go up to The Bronx. It was that typical stalling because we didn't want to go home yet thing, but we had to work in the morning and blah, blah, blah. He got this really serious look on his face and started to recite the lyrics to this song in this ridiculous faux-heartfelt way and the abject lameness of the song combined with his undeniable dorkiness just cracked me up.

So I'm listening to this song and remembering that night, and I got to thinking about all of the other songs that for one reason or another remind me of boys that I dated. So I made a list. Then I looked at it and came that much closer to really understanding why none of these relationships worked out. Because...Lou Bega. Seriously.

1. Far Behind--Candlebox
2. Smooth--Santana f/Rob Thomas
4. Can't Take My Eyes off of You--Frankie Valli
5. Everything to Me--Liz Phair
6. Come Together--The Beatles
7. La Vida Loca--Ricky Martin
8. Wonderful Place--N.E.R.D
9. Mother Mother--Tracy Bonham
10. Hands Down--Dashboard Confessional
11. Johnny Feelgood--Liz Phair
12. I Got a Girl--Lou Bega
13. Any Fall Out Boy song

I don't know who I'm kidding. I should really just buy like, ten cats right now and call it a day.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

"Whether you cheer for Tucker, or you wish he’d get syphillis and die, it doesn’t really matter."

Internet writer Tucker Max is being sued. The case basically has no merits and is the action of a sue-happy blueberry heir who threw a shitty new year's party and got his feelings hurt when people called him out on it. The reason I bring it up is that if this case actually goes to trial, it has implications on internet free speech. Read more about it on his website here.

Friday, March 24, 2006

No, FCUK you

Born to FCUK?Every season brings a new annoying clothing trend. Like this. Or this. And some of them refuse to die. Like this. And while I'm sporting a whole new crop of forehead wrinkles from furrowing my brow in disgust after being optically assaulted on a daily basis just by living in this city, these trends really aren't any more than a minor annoyance. Besides, they actually serve a vital purpose—they allow me to spot hipster-fucks from 50 yards out so I can easily avoid them. The furry boots tell me who to hate, and for that, I thank them.

There is one trend, however, by which I cannot abide. FCUK shirts. My hatred is so intense, in fact, that it has transcended the mere shirt and now includes the entire company, French Connection. I first saw these visual affronts three years ago when I was in Ireland. I saw a ton of women and even some men wearing t-shirts that said, "FCUK you" and "Born to FCUK." At the time, my reaction was something like, "Whaa—oh. Huh." And that's about it. After I returned to the states, I never saw them again. They were completely erased from my mind until a few months ago, when they started popping up constantly.

It took me a while to put my finger on what bothered me so much about this particular trend, especially since, on the surface; it is about 100x less annoying and prevalent than a lot of others. Then it hit me. What pisses me off so much is that they take two things that I hold very dearly: cursing and puns, and bastardize them. And then, on top of that, it's just so...stale. I look at those shirts and it's like, "yeah, ha ha guys. It's like "fuck," but it's not. Good one. Jackass." Because the thing is, it was funny when The Dixie Chicks did it--back in 2003. Now? The joke's pretty much run its course.

But not only will French Connection not let the TOTALLY RACY AND NAUGHTY t-shirts die, they continue their assault against "the man" with their new TOTALLY RACY AND NAUGHTY commercial which features—get this—two girls fighting and like, TOTALLY MAKING OUT, Y'ALL! We're so cutting edge! Except for when Britney, Madonna and Christina all made out at the VMA's—in 2003. And when Madonna was in Britney's "Me Against the Music" video and there was fighting and almost making out—in 2003.

In the era of teen orgies in primetime, French Connection's entire image just comes off as desperate and needy—like a celebrity's "accidentally" leaked sex tape or anything involving Lindsay Lohan. What French Connection really needs to realize is that what may have been totally awesome in 2003 is just kind of sad now.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

10-Second Movie Review #2

So I decided to follow up yesterday's pretty offensive post with one that is patently offensive and just wrong in so many ways.

Today, Blaze takes on the Spike Lee-produced CSA: Confederate States of America.

Blaze: I wish slavery did still exist so Spike Lee wouldn't have been able to make this movie.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

I wanted to sleep, the roommates wanted to talk.

Shooter: Buckley's about as cute and doe-eyed as a dog can get and I still don't want to fuck her.


Shooter: You know, I've never had sex through a sheet, but I'm going to.

Beast: Hell, I've had sex through a sheet.

Me: Beast is very good to the trick-or-treaters.


Shooter:'s about magical Jew semen.

Beast: I want a shirt that says "magical Jew semen."

Shooter: I can give you a shirt that has magical Jew

Thursday, March 16, 2006

The Friction in your Jeans

Okay, so it's a little old, but I can't help it. This just makes me so happy every time I see it.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

10-Second Movie Review #1

Today, Dad is the featured reviewer. He tackles the Ryan Reynolds vehicle, Waiting:

Dad: It's made by a bunch of, I think, gay guys. There's a lot of male...I don't know. A lot of dicks. I didn't like it.

Are you feelin’ it? A honky’s guide to hip-hop

I am pretty much the whitest white girl imaginable. My German-Irish heritage made sure that I was born with white-blonde hair, big blue eyes, and pink skin that gets angry in the sun. In short, I was Hitler’s wet dream. All heil me.

As the years went on, my hair turned from blonde to dark brown and my eyes turned from blue to green. No longer an Aryan princess, I still have plenty of white-girl in me. I have no inherent sense of rhythm, I am utterly unable to use slang unironically, and I am unabashedly in love with early Rod Stewart. If Reason to Believe comes on the radio, it’s all over. There will be no talking, but there will be three and a half minutes of off-key singing and frantic emoting with my hands. I feel you, Rod Steward. I feel you. Same goes for Elton John and Billy Joel. These men transcend music, to the point where I shouldn’t even call them men. They are Gods.

My high school friends reacted to my bizarre taste in music by dropping subtle hints like leaving brochures for retirement homes and coupons for Polident in my car. They were at white as I (the suburbs of Northern Virginia didn’t have many people whose skin color could be described by a coffee drink. [At least, not in high school. They were pretty much in the kitchens.]) yet they just didn’t get it. How could they not see the utter brilliance of Crocodile Rock?

I’m a white girl on the surface; I’m a white girl in my bones. And for a long time, that was my reference point for reality. It was my identity. But recently, I’ve began listening to my soul. And what my soul told me, is that I’m a sistah. Just like Rod Stewart spoke to me in my adolescence, Jay-Z speaks to me now. I know what it’s like to be a hustler. To be a thug. Common told me what it’s like on The Corner. Kanye West made me want to drop out of college, despite the fact that I had graduated over a year prior. Talib Kweli convinced me that “the pigs killed B.I.G and Pac too. And if they didn’t, then they know who did.” That is some heavy shit right there. It’s a burden, all of this understanding and knowledge. It’s a weight I am happy to bear.

Unfortunately, most of my snowy brothers and sisters don’t agree. Hip-Hop scares them. In their world, it’s all, bitches and Hos, and gats in yo’ ass. Or something. It’s a myth that tons of white people listen to hip-hop. Tons of white people listen to Top 40 music. If TRL tells them that 50 Cent is okay, then they will happily shake their asses to the marble-mouthed stylings of an ex-crack dealer who was shot in the face. To them, 50 is the same as Gwen Stefani or Fall Out Boy. It’s controlled danger, like a Fear Factor stunt with harnesses and safety wires.

I hang out with very few people who actually listen to hip-hop. Most of them are the type of people who said, "Jay-Z's calling Beyonce a bitch!" the first time they heard 99 Problems. So with this in mind, I feel as though it is my duty as a white-girl sistah to take away the fear. I have created a mixtape; A guide, if you will, to the wonderful world of hip-hop. Read the guide, download the songs, and before you know it, you’ll stop averting your eyes and crossing the street whenever hip-hop gets too close.

1. The Boogie Man Song--Mos Def
I have a crazy obsession with Elvis Costello. I know I'm not alone (at least in my mind, I'm not). The first couple of times I heard this song, it confused me. It sounded like something, but I couldn't quite figure out what. Then I realized what it was: This is the best Elvis Costello song that Elvis Costello never wrote. While it's not a typical hip-hop song, it shows that hip-hop artists are capable of doing more and it's a good way to start a novice off, especially someone who is resistant.

2. Bridging the Gap--Nas
It's a family-friendly way to introduce someone to Nas. It has a familiar sound that non-fans can identify with. Plus I have a crush on Nas' dad. Seriously. He's adorable. Screw you for judging me.

3. The New Workout Plan--Kanye West (not the shitty remix)
I forced a friend of mine to listen to this CD right after it came out and subjected him to my insane hip-hop stylings. He was not impressed with me, but he did dig the CD, especially this song. After he heard the line, "All the Mocha Lattes, you got to do Pilates," he couldn't stop laughing and said that this would be the first Hip-Hop CD he would ever buy.

4. Ms. Jackson--Outkast
Fun Southern Rap. It's been around for a while, and it won't freak anyone out.

5. Guns & Roses--Jay-Z feat. Lenny Kravitz
A fun Rock/Rap combo, and true white-people-music-lovers will notice that the guitar underlying the entire song is not Lenny Kravitz, but a song called Arco Arena by Cake.

6. Shoop--Salt N Peppa
We've gotta represent the ladies, and Foxy Brown can suck it. Plus, this is my Karaoke song. I do all three parts. I'm very talented.

7. The Proud--Talib Kweli
It's time to get socially conscious, ya'll. The first time I listened to this song, I was at the gym. I nearly fell off the Stairmaster. I had to listen to it again. It'll get you thinking.

8. Fight the Power--Public Enemy
It stays in the socially-conscious realm and will be familiar to anyone who's seen Do the Right Thing. Flava Flav hasn't always been a reality TV star, kids.

9. The Food—Common feat. Kanye West
It’s a fact. White people love Dave Chappelle. And those who don’t fast forward through the musical performances will recognize this song from season one of Chappelle’s Show.

10. Lodi Dodi--Snoop Dog
By this time, they shouldn't be too scared, so they should be open to a little stereotypical early 90s rap without too much of the bitches and hos. This song, not originally being from the early 90s, has the added bonus of introducing them to Slick Rick.

Seriously. Get this playlist on your I-Pod and pretty soon people will be doing double-takes. “Who’s that—is that Steve? Dude’s got Soul!” You can do it; it’s not hard. Embrace hip-hop and it will embrace you. Don’t be scurred.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Random Conversations with Various Family Members #1

I was in Northern Virginia recently (but not because I live there, Susan!) and had the following conversation with my younger sister about her boyfriend.

Kali: What's that disease that makes you tired all the time?
Me: Uh, well there's----
Kali: AIDS?
Me: ...I was going to say chronic fatigue syndrome, but sure. I guess AIDS would make you...tired.
Kali: Yeah. Joel sleeps a lot.

Monday, March 06, 2006

I suffered so you don't have to.

So, originally I was going to blog the Oscars as well as the pre-show on E!, but that started at 5:30 and there was no way I was going to get my act together by then. So, right now, it's 7:34. I'm watching the official ABC preshow and absolutely nothing is happening. Except for a montage, because you can't spell "self-important awards show" without M-O-N-T-A-G-E! We'll use this opportunity to catch up on all that you need to know from the preshow.

1. Ludacris is short. He stood next to Ryan Seacrest and was basically the same height as Seacrest, a member of the Lollipop Guild. Surprisingly, that wasn't a gay joke. This time.

2. In a display of his unyielding power, Seacrest promises that E! will write a $10,000 check to the charity Clothes off our Back. It's the entertainment equivalent of a guy running over a hobo because he has diplomatic immunity. He's Seacrest. He'll do what he wants.

3. Isaac Mizrahi meets Dolly Parton and his head surprisingly does not explode from thinking about all of the ways he can "see how her dress is constructed."

4. Seacrest tries to prove he's straight for the first time tonight by literally going "goo-goo ga-ga" over Keira Knightly. Later, Isaac tells him to stop "throwing himself" at Jessica Alba. The force of the collective eye-roll of every gay man in every bar in Chelsea is enough to register on the Richter scale.

5. Helena Bonham Carter has finally lost it. She's wearing an insane Bouffant that is so big and crazy, even Dolly Parton is like, "Girl, maybe you should tone it down."

Alright, it's seven minutes to show time and I can only hope that what Eric Bana said when asked what he hopes will happen tonight will come true: "I'm looking for a lot of blood to be spilled." My fingers are crossed.

8:01- The opening looks a little like War of the Worlds, if the end of the world features Forrest Gump and John Travolta. Which I think it will.

8:02- This is the first opening to the Oscars that has actually made me laugh. Mel Gibson and a bunch of Mayans getting chased by a grizzly and Jon Stewart and George Clooney in bed together. This may actually turn out to be a good show. We'll see how I feel halfway through hour five.

8:07- A lame Angelina adoption joke. Come on Jon, step it up.

8:09- Why is Keira Knightley sitting next to Jack Nicholson? No! Get away! You're already famous, don't do it! Although, do you kind of get the feeling nowadays that Nicholson doesn't even know where he is? His assistant just tapes those sunglasses to his head, pins his Valium to his coat and points him out the door.

8:12- It's not quite Brokeback to the Future, but the montage of "gay" Hollywood Westerns marks the first Brokeback joke.

8:16- First award of the night for Best Supporting Actor. Presented by an almost-lifelike Nicole Kidman. George Clooney, Matt Dillon, Paul Giamatti, Jake Gyllenhaal, and William Hurt. And the Oscar goes to...George Clooney. No big surprise there. First nomination, first Oscar. Not too bad, Booker. His speech is nice, heartfelt and relatively boring. At least there's no lame Abramoff joke this time.

8:27- Ben Stiller presents Excellence in Visual Effects dressed in a green screen suit--but no green screen. Stiller: "This is Blowing Spielberg’s mind." Spielberg: "No it isn't." Chronicles of Narnia, King Kong, and War of the Worlds. King Kong wins. Sure Peter Jackson doesn't get this award, but I still half expected him to storm the stage anyway. It only seems right

8:30- America's Treasure Reese Witherspoon presents Best Animated Feature. Howl's Moving Castle, Corpse Bride, Wallace & Grommit. Wallace and Grommit takes it. And the guys are wearing clown bowties. And have mini clown bowties for their Oscars. See people? This is why "British" and "Retarded" are often considered synonymous.

8:35- Naomi Watts is introducing Dolly Parton's performance and can barely keep her shit together. Dolly's performing "Travelin' Thru" from Transamerica . Her singing wig is different from her preshow wig. This one makes her look like a Bassett Hound. A Bassett Hound with a liposuction machine permanently parked in her bedroom. Whatever. She's trashy and fantastic. I love her.

8:43- Luke and Owen Wilson are presenting Best Live Action Short. They're both looking a little bloated (halfway down), but I still love them. Anyway, up for the award are Ausreisser, Cashback, The Last Farm, Our Time is Up, and Six Shooter. Surprise! It's a film you haven't seen! Six Shooter takes the award.

8:46- Why? With the animated characters on Awards shows? I'm sure it has nothing to do with Disney-owned ABC. Nothing at all. Up for Best Animated Short: Badgered, The Moon and the Son, The Mysterious Geographic Explorations of Jasper Morello, 9, and One Man Band. The Moon and the Son wins. There's a lot of blah blah, and I always feel so badly for the people who get up here and nobody cares, but it's still so importa----ooh, it's Jennifer Aniston!

8:49 Jennifer Aniston presents Best Costume Design. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Memoirs of a Geisha, Mrs. Henderson Presents, Pride & Prejudice, and Walk the Line. Memoirs of a Geisha wins. See Sony, it wasn't a total loss, you won Best Costume Design. So...there's that. Aw, the people of Japan got a thank you. People of Japan: "Suck it."

8:52- Russell Crowe is so serious that I think he's introducing the montage for the dead folks, but it's the montage for the folks who...played other people? Really?

8:58- Will Ferrell and Steve Carell introduce Best Makeup in crazy makeup of their own. Yay for these guys! Up for the award: Chronicles of Narnia, Cinderella Man, Star Wars Ep. 3. The Oscar goes to The Chronic-What? Cles of Narnia. Also, Steve Carell would make a surprisingly good drag-queen. I did not see that one coming. And the first person gets played off by the music.

9:04- Morgan Freeman introduces Best Supporting Actress and cannot say, "demonstrative." Up for it are Amy Adams, Catherine Keener, Francis McDormand, Rachel Weisz, and Michelle Williams. I'm thinking it'll be newcomer Amy Adams. And I'm wrong. Rachel Weisz gets it and is unfortunately introduced by mentioning her starring roles in The Mummy and The Mummy Returns. I don't remember any of her speech, even as she is giving it. I think I heard "brave" and "giving their lives." And I wish that they had kept the open bar, because zzzzzzzz.

9:10- Lauren Baccall is Candice Bergen in 20 years--or would be if either of the two had aged in the past 20 years. She's talking about Film Noir and appears to be drunk. This would be a perfect time for--another montage!

9:15- Jon Stewart enlists Stephen Colbert for fake attack ads for Best Actress. They're pretty decent, but Felicity doesn't get one.

9:16- Terrence Howard introduces Best Documentary Short. The Death of Kevin Carter, God Sleeps in Rwanda, The Mushroom Club, A Note of Triumph. In tonight's first big shake up, A Note of Triumph snags it. I don't know. I'm just trying to make it interesting.

9:22- Charlize Theron's dress is eating her shoulder. In addition, she is presenting Best Documentary. Darwin's Nightmare, Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room, March of the Penguins, Murderball, Street Fight. Surprising absolutely no one, the penguins win it. Also surprising no one after the bowtie display from earlier, the filmmakers bring giant stuffed penguins up on stage. Seriously. Morgan Freeman is offstage looking confused as to whether or not he should be up there. The answer is no. You do not want to be associated with this right now.

9:24- JLo is wearing a bald cap! Actually, her hair just sucks. She introduces the song from Crash. The stage is on fire as the chick sings and I still don't care.

9:33- Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves. Sandra looks tired and is rumored to be pregnant. Also? Shut up, Keanu. Best Art Direction: Good Night and Good Luck, Harry Potter, King Kong, Memoirs of a Geisha, Pride & Prejudice. Well look at that. Memoirs got another one. Someone at Sony still has a job!

9:37- Samuel L. Jackson is still cool. Despite his new movie. Which sucked. Hard. Holy crap. It's ANOTHER MONTAGE. This one's about...politics? Doing what's right? I don't know anymore.

9:42- President of the Academy. That is all.

9:45- Salma Hayak's boobs keep getting bigger. She introduces the maestro. Or something.

9:50- Salma Hayak sexily reminds us of the sexy Best Score Nominees. Brokeback Mountain, The Constant Gardener, Memoirs of a Geisha, Munich, Pride and Prejudice. She sexily struts to the podium and sexily tells us that Brokeback Mountain sexily snags their first award of the evening.

9:57- Jake Gyllenhaal introduces ANOTHER MONTAGE about watching movies on the big screen. Poor Jake gets saddled (Heh. Saddled. You know, gay cowboys? No? Okay.) with a stinker of a joke about portable DVD players. He looks like a kid at his parent's dinner party and his mom is all, "Jakey, show everybody the dance you did in the school play! It's so adorable." "Mo-oom. Nooooo."

10:00- Hee! Jon Stewart just made fun of the number of montages.

10:01- Jessica Alba and Eric Bana present Best Sound Mixing. Chronicles of Narnia, King Kong, Memoirs of a Geisha, Walk the Line, War of the Worlds. And the Oscar goes to...King Kong. Who said it performed way below expectations?

10:04- Lilly Tomlin and Meryl Streep. Meryl looks amazing. They're introducing Robert Altman who is receiving the "we know you're awesome and we're sorry for not letting you win an Oscar" Oscar. This is of course followed by a montage.

10:19- Ludacris is making Oscar-winning songs sound dirty. The Three-Six Mafia is performing and have already gotten bleeped. Apparently "witches" are jumping ship, which is not the way it was originally going to be.

10:23- Queen Latifah looks better than she's looked in a while and introduces Best Original Song. The nominees are Crash, Hustle and Flow, Transamerica. Hustle and Flow wins. Holy shit. The Three-Six Mafia just won an Oscar. Take that, Eminem.

10:26- Jon Stewart can't stop giggling. "It just got a little bit easier for a pimp."

10:27- More fake lobbying spots for Sound Editing.

10:28- Jennifer Garner trips and nearly busts her face on the stage. She also looks like she's wearing Will Ferrell's makeup. For Best Sound Editing: King Kong, Memoirs of a Geisha, War of the Worlds. King Kong wins it. Yay! Peter Jackson will work again.

10:31- Clooney gets to be the buzz kill and introduce the dead folks. Who's going to get the most applause? It's everybody's favorite game, "Whose death is the biggest loss?"

10:34- And the winner is...Anne Bancroft. Sorry Chris Penn.

10:38- Will Smith presents Best Foreign Language Film. Don't Tell, Joyeux Noel, Paradise Now, Sophie Scholl, Tsotsi. Tsotsi wins. Lots of stuff about how we're all the same, etc. etc.

10:42- Ziyi Zhang looks delightful and is presenting Best Film Editing. Up for it are, Cinderella Man, The Constant Gardener, Crash, Munich, Walk the Line. Crash wins, which makes sense. Editing ensemble pieces is tough.

10:43- Hillary Swank looks better than she did last year and is presenting Best Actor. Finally, something we care about. Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Terrence Howard, Heath Ledger, Joaquin Phoenix, and David Strathairn. I'd like it to be Joaquin, but I think Phil Hoffman is going to get it, which is fine, because he's amazing. Although, David Strathairn could pull an Adrian Brody and take it. Or it could be Phil Hoffman, which everybody expected. He was supposed to bark his acceptance speech but didn't. You suck, Hoffman.

10:56- John Travolta presents Best Cinematography. Batman Begins, Brokeback Mountain, Good Night and Good Luck, Memoirs of a Geisha, The New World are nominated. Memoirs wins, which surprises me. I thought it would either be Brokeback or Good Night. Sony must have done a lot of lobbying.

10:58- Jaime Foxx (the extra "x" is for "x-tra sexy!") presents Best Actress. We've got Dame Judy Dench, Charlize Theron, Felicity Huffman, Keira Knightly and Reese Witherspoon. I think Felicity's going to get it, but I won't be surprised if it goes to Miss 29 million dollars a picture, Reese Witherspoon. And she gets it, She was good, but Joaquin owned that movie. Yes Reese, we know you grew up in Tennessee. You're from the South. WE GET IT! Also, where is Ryan? He's so subdued, not like the Globes. Dammit the Oscars need more alcohol!

11:09- Dustin Hoffman, who is looking rather wee tonight, is presenting Best Adapted Screenplay. He almost opened the ballot before he read the nominations and gave a shout-out to all of the losers. Anyway, we've got Brokeback Mountain, Capote, The Constant Gardener, A History of Violence, Munich. Brokeback wins again, to no one's surprise. Jesus, I hope this dude doesn't thank his typewriter again.

11:13- Holy crap. Uma looks fierce. She's introducing Best Original Screenplay. Crash, Goodnight and Good Luck, Match Point, The Squid and the Whale, Syriana. Crash wins and I'm sure the boys over at Defamer are puking right about now.

11:20- Tom Hanks, the Jesus of Hollywood is presenting Best Director. We've got Brokeback Mountain, Capote, Crash, Good Night and Good Luck, Munich. Brokeback wins, again, to the surprise of NO ONE. Oh, Ang. Don't open up with, "I wish I knew how to quit you." Not only are Brokeback jokes pretty much over, but it doesn't even fit. Haven't you learned from James Cameron? Come on!

11:23- Jack Nicholson, having dipped into the Valium pinned to his sleeve, is announcing Best Picture. Like it matters, we've got Brokeback Mountain, Capote, Crash, Good Night and Good Luck, Munich. Hmm, who's going to win? Who? HOLY SHIT. IT WAS CRASH. CRASH WON. NOT BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN. Even the Crash folks are like, "Wait, haven't you guys seen Brokeback?" Wow, there was actually an upset. I honestly don't believe it. This is nuts.

11:28. My back hurts and my vision is getting blurry. All in all, Jon Stewart did a great job as host, but really, there's only so much he can do. Lord, the Oscars are boring. Aside from the three seconds of shock after Crash won, everything was pretty predictable. I'm going to start my Globes countdown now. Awards shows need free-flowing alcohol!